Adventures in Video Game Retail, Part One (In a Series)

You meet some weird people working at a video game store.

I've no doubt that this is true of almost any job, especially retail in a specialty store. Occasionally one of those people who can only be described as "fanatic" about whatever product you specialize in will wander in and it's Weird City from there on out.

This isn't really one of those stories.

So I've been working at EB Games for a while, (a little under a year, actually) and we get weird customers on a fairly regular basis. This guy takes the cake. I think his name is Leif and he comes in from time to time and I've never been particularly fond of the fellow (he's pretty much an ignorant, overly-pushy ass).

Some background: Leif is a raging douchebag who insists that the only decent video game genre is first-person shooter (and even then only if it has online play), the only console worth a damn is the PlayStation 3 and the upcoming Battlefield: Bad Company is going to be the greatest video game in the history of video games (because it has lots of guns and explosions, of course).

Anyway, Leif comes in and the usual banter begins (for the purposes of this story, Leif will be henceforth be known as Douche-Man):

Matt: That's not out yet, man. Late June.
DM: Can I get one now?
M: Er...well, we won't have them for a few weeks.
-Insert more banter about what a badass game Bad Company is going to be and how it's going to beat Call of Duty 4 in every way imaginable, as well as mild banter about the PS3 and Metal Gear Solid 4. This banter is amusing in it's own right, but for the purposes of this dramatic retelling, it has been omitted.-
DM: Man, I need more money. Not just for games, but for all kinds of shit.
M: Ha, yeah, if you were rich you'd buy us all games, right?
DM:...well, if I were rich I'd be too busy to play games.
-Douche-Man looks at Matt as if he should know what that means-
DM: I mean, I'd have other things to buy.
M: -blank stare-
DM: Things you can't get in this country.
M:...er...like in Amsterdam?
DM: No.
M: -blank stare-
DM: Did you know that in other countries you can buy women? Hot women?
M: You can do that here, you know. It's illegal, but...
DM: No no no, not like to rent.
M: -Deeply horrified by his choice of wording-
DM: I mean like to keep.
M: I'm fairly certain that's called slavery.
DM: Yeah, here it is.
M: ...
DM: Did you know that in other countries, like in the United Arab Emerates and Israel, you can just buy women like you would buy anything else?
M: ...so, uh, did you want to pre-order Bad Company or what?
DM: Nah, I've already got it pre-ordered. I'll see you guys later.
-Exit Douche-Man-




Joshua Skaar said...

Holy shit!

That's gotta be the creepiest, worst individual person I've ever heard of.

What the hell does he do in his spare time besides jerk off to the GI issue about this game?

Think about how if he was rich he'd go to the middle-east and buy himself a wife, because that's the only way he'd be able to get a woman into his house?

That's just sad.

Phillip said...

I've never used the word "skeevy" in conversation, and I'm pretty sure I've never written it.

But that guy is skeevy.

bellatrys said...

I'm not at all surprised. This guy may be an OH JOHN RINGO NO fan, but fifteen years ago I worked with a mid-40-ish navy vet who - in this order, mind you - 1) constantly made jokes about 'smegma' on the films and 'needing to get into [my] drawers' when he wanted some materials from our workstation, 2) complained vocally that he'd been dumped by his girlfriend of several years, 3) expressed surprise that I had been hired, since I was short, brunette and flat chested and the owner preferred stacked leggy blondes, 4) asked me if I wanted to be his date to the office party since he didn't want to go alone and was now single.

The best part, however, was 5) his description of the ideal girlfriend, unlike the one who had just walked out on him, due to such unreasonable attitudes as considering that he should do some housework around the place, contribute his share of the food and so on expenses as well as the rent, and let her know if he was going to go out drinking after work so she could change any plans she might have. He wanted, he revealed, a woman who would simply be silent sex-and-housework on tap, to which I said, it doesn't sound like you want a wife, but *a slave* instead.

He thought about it for a second, then said, unabashedly, "Well, --Yeah."

Then he 6) lamented that women weren't like they were in the good old days, when all women were grateful for any male attention and there was no divorce allowed...

I told him that based on my grandparents' relationships there had never been any Good Old Days. (My grandmother was known to throw chopping knives, frex.)

I've seen ids on unconscious display before, but rarely so blatantly. However, your DM gives my ex-coworker a run for his money.